Sunday, September 01, 2013

ANTM 20 - Episode 6 Recap - The Girl Who Is Less Annoying Than Jourdan

This was the worst episode of ANTM ever. No joke. To be more specific it was absolute infuriating garbage, which is fitting considering this week's shoot was hands down the dumbest thing ever conceived in the history of the show. Move over H2T Water and Fierce Roast Coffee, you've been dethroned in the crazy tower of Tyra briefs. Yep, you've taken a backseat to an ill-conceived body spray thats soul purpose was shock value. It was certainly "Questionable". Yeah it made us question why we waste our time anymore...

It's a long known fact that the person who gets eliminated on any given episode of Top Model gets an abundance of screen time before facing the guillotine. Not in this episode. It's really something special when the archaic structure of ANTM is put in jeopardy because of the overwhelming shitheadedness of one specific contestant. And let's not mince words, the idiot we're referring to is none-other than Jourdan.

Alexandra who? That's what we were thinking the entire episode as the editors desperately tried to force little snippets of Alex into the action. Otherwise, what you saw on this hour-long gem was the summation of our hatred for Jourdan and how she climbed the ranks to become one of the Most Hated Girls in ANTM History. Jourdan makes Kiara (Cycle 19) likeable. And we HATED Kiara. Regardless, it all began when the models returned to the house after panel.

It was here that Jourdan spent a large measure of time standing a foot away from the television monitor displaying her "Photo of the Week". Naturally this scene was set to the sympathetic ramblings of Jourdan herself, once again boring us with her "I was in an abusive relationship where I was told I was ugly and not a model". Well there is no denying that is mean but on the other hand, Jourdan, if your ex had told you were pretty and that you look like a model, that would have been more abusive because he would have been flat out lying to your face.

"No one cares about your overbite."
Thanks to Jourdan's evident narcissism, a plague of hatred spread through the house against her. Most notably Cory, Renee and Kanani who discussed everything wrong with Jourdan's personality. The scene was filled with hilarious faces, shade and even a wooden spoon that only the topic of Jourdan could inspire. Kanani finally got some airtime, personally telling Jourdan that no one cares about her photo. We like to think that Kanani was imitating Jourdan's mouth in almost every one of her past and future photographs in the competition.

The threesome discussed how they think she's a great model (which was generous) but that she's a fucking irritating human being. The funniest part was when the group discussed Cory possibly being picked for the Tyra Suite. This caused Cory to respond with, "You think I want to be locked in a chamber with Jourdan for a night? I would be like sorry you can give it to someone else." Snap! Beyond this, their faces essentially summed up anyone's mental process when dealing with Jourdan.

Confusion & Incomprehension.
Disgust.
Realizing Jourdan's Stupidity.
In the end, Jourdan picked Nina to share the Tyra Suite with, which continued Nina's transition to the dark side over the past view episodes. She just kinda seems like she's out to be everyone's best friend even though she subtly talks shit in her confessionals and, for us, that's some very pansy-like behaviour. However, Nina getting picked brings us to our first Renee/Jourdan quote, which we'll be outlining throughout this recap.

Renee: Jourdan picks Nina to be in the Tyra Suite, cause nobody else likes her.

See that's why we like Renee. Her insults are quick, concise and straight to the point.  

Jiana's relationship with Phil was also a point of interest this episode but before we could focus on it too much Jourdan had to put in her 2 cents because remember this is HER show and Jourdan literally needs the spotlight up her ass. She commented on Jiana and Phil's relationship, seeing as he has a girlfriend, before questioning his intentions. Thanks, but no one asked you Jourdan. Maybe you should turn the focus on yourself and your little lapdog bitch, Jeremy.


Which leads us to THE PHONE DRAMA!!! Where Jourdan used her quick math skills to completely put herself in the line of fire. Turn the "dumbness" scale to 100 because Jourdan is about to make another poor life decision by talking to her boyfriend on the phone for an extra five minutes. It's not so much that she chose to do this but that she wasn't sorry afterwards. Also this quote didn't help much:

Jourdan: Everybody here gets on my fucking nerves. Like my maturity level is so above theirs.

"Gross" < REK
Which was closely followed by this:

Jourdan: Just so you know, since I got the Tyra Suite, I can talk for as long as I want on the phone.

Umm...no. That's not the deal. Unless you chose to take the entire hour for yourself...

Jourdan said it: "Actions speak louder than words". And your actions Jourdan made you look like a huge bitch. Yes, a HUGE BITCH. So you can wipe that surprised expression off of your face.

A bitch?
Yeah, a bitch!
The entire fight was pretty one sided for Renee, which only made our love for her increase exponentially. Jourdan looked haggard and frazzled the entire time, especially when Renee delivered this little warning:

Renee: Oh, you are cussing at the wrong fucking person, girl. Wrong one. Girl, I'll slap the stupid off of you.

Hell yes! But naturally when Jourdan's in danger, Jeremy is right at her side either humping her leg or attacking anyone who challenges his master. Seriously, slap a leather collar on him and glue on some dog ears! The most hypocritical thing about it was that Jeremy was bitching too when Jourdan was in the booth. And then after it was all over, him saying "I'm just going to go back to working out" honestly epitomized Jeremy's existence. Yes, go back to doing the only thing on this planet you are good at. Fucking Lurch!

"Go Jeremy."

Jourdan took to confessional after leaving the room and expressed the following:

Jourdan: It sucks that people hate me because they think I'm their biggest competition. 

No, Jourdan, they hate you because you're a self absorbed little bitch.

After this gong show was over, the models went out to the challenge where things got infinitely worse when the crew met up with these two idiots. Sunglasses and all, BryanBoy and Perez were ready to face the sunlight cause as we all know, trolls can't stay above ground for prolonged periods of time.

Twiddle Fug & Twiddle Ugh
In a nut shell, the challenge consisted of humiliating yourself in front of strangers as well as insulting people's street fashion. Cause apparently that is what it takes to make it as an interviewer. WRONG! Marvin gained major bonus points this week when he refused to stoop down to Perez's level. This may have fucked him over in the challenge but it saved him in our books.

Jeremy won the challenge on the pure basis that he stripped off all of his clothing during his interview. This was to essentially satisfy two gay men who are so repulsive that they can't get anyone decent looking to give them the time of day unless they are somehow blackmailing them using the Top Model system or otherwise. Cory was right when he said Jeremy is just a bodybuilder and NOT a model. Whether Cory's opinion is right or not, one thing is certain. Jeremy has the brain capacity of a juice head.

Renee continued her firestorm of insults on Jourdan and Jeremy both during and after the challenge with:

Renee: I think that Jourdan is selfish. I think that Jourdan is immature. And she has no personality. Like my fucking toe [nail] I just clipped off has more personality than her.

Renee: We knew good and well it was going to be Jourdan. Even after she took away his [Jeremy's] phone privileges, he's still going to be a little puppy dog that's licking her butt.   

Possibly the two greatest reads ever uttered on ANTM. Renee is one honest bitch and we LOVE her!!! That fact that Cory referred to Jeremy as a dog and then Renee created the image of him licking Jourdan's butt is too perfect. Also the image of Jourdan being equated to a crusty, old toe nail is priceless.

Surprisingly, there are other contestants on the show and Jiana was shown briefly when she was promptly thrown under the bus for her performance. We had the same reaction when Perez singled her out among the group. Clearly it's not because she did bad but that the producers and Tyra are trying to get rid of anyone who could be competition for Jourdan. That way, she can annoy us for weeks to come with her incessant whining and awful photos.


Because Jeremy won the challenge, he and Jourdan went on a romantic "friend-zone" date where Jourdan decided to discuss the fight after saying everyone else should drop it. Cause remember this is HER show and the rules don't apply to this bitch. Jourdan went on to explain:

Jourdan: This is why I don't have friends. This is why, at home, I choose NOT to interact with people.

Jourdan:  I'm only 19 but I feel like I am a 40 year old on the inside.

"No one's mature enough to understand me."
Oh goody. Does someone need to tell Jourdan that not having friends is not her decision alone. Also a friend is by definition someone who likes you. If you're not likeable that's not really their fault. We suppose Jourdan just can't relate to anyone her own age because she found herself through all of her bad decisions she's made in her life. Especially now that she has a boyfriend. We also didn't realize that 40 year olds act like immature conceited victims. We didn't think Jourdan could get worse but there was definitely more to come.

Once the photoshoot came around we just wanted this episode to be over. Surprisingly, the camp nature of the commercial didn't create a lot of outlandish behaviour from the models. There was just a lot of Marvin being Marvin, which actually amounted to a pretty entertaining segment between he and Renee. We think they'd make a cute couple since Renee would have no problem keeping Mr. Fish Lips in check. Their union would also work on the basis that Marvin doesn't seem to get discouraged by female rejection.

"I choose Renee as my partner."
"Goody...."
One thing that did stick out to us as being glaringly obvious was Marvin's confessional where he is clearly rocking a bronze tan. So there you have it, Marvin makes it abroad and probably to finals. The only way they could have made it more obvious is if somewhere in editing they plastered a giant Bali flag next to his head. That being said, we're not mad at the tan. It actually makes Marvin look pretty good since it balances that intense sallow pigment in his skin.


But this wouldn't be ANTM without Marvin acting like a horned up 15 year old so once the shoot got underway, Marvin, in his most frightening drag, has us rolling on the floor with laughter as he physically assaulted both Renee's face and ass cheek. He explained this as going a little out of the box with the commercial but we just think it was poor technique and panic on the part of an inexperienced virgin.

"Oh hey girl!"
"NOMMMMM!!!"
Naturally the best person on the shoot was Cory, who admitted he's done drag before. And on that note, let us finally say that Cory is officially awesome. We had our doubts in the first few weeks because he was always flapping his gums when all we wanted was some peace and quiet. But this week, his evident vocal hatred for Jourdan and Jeremy combined with his fierce lady-boy walk had us loving him every time he stepped on screen. Snaps!!! Show them bitches!


Oh no, Cory is being given screen time. Cue another Jourdan segment. But not just any ordinary Jourdan segment. The one that made her absolutely dead to us when she uttered the following statement:

Jourdan: I literally come from a town - it's just white people. So I had no idea what gothic is. 


GIRL YOU FUCKIN' DUMB!!! LIKE FOR REAL! First of all, odds are that if you're going to meet a gothic/emo person, they are going to be white. Second, was your ex-husband a member of a cult that had you kidnapped at a young age? We only ask because that is only the reason we could think that you would never have seen a movie or a band or a fucking television show with a gothic person!!! We seriously want to puncture you in the neck with some scissors. We could handle your stupidity but not your ignorance.

We want to hear from YOU. How annoying do you think Jourdan is? Vote on our sidebar.

Once the shoot was done, Jourdan went back to what she does best, which is staring at herself.


Then the Tyra Mail arrived and we noticed something a little peculiar when the contestants began running into the room. It was Adam's mask hanging on the wall, overtop of what appears to be some religious figure's body. What a subtle way to remind us how old that guy was. He practically predates Jesus.


After Jourdan read the message from Tyra, she went on to rise even higher on our shit list by saying:

Jourdan: I wish that Jiana would go home. I don't see Jiana having that look for high fashion editorials. 

You know what isn't high fashion or editorial, Jourdan? THIS!


Unless an excessive amount of pimples and piss yellow hair are somehow fashionable these days.

Speaking of someone's look we've continuously taken umbrage with. We think we finally figured out what is so wrong with Tyra this cycle. It's not that her make-up or even that her dresses are terrible it's just that puffed up wig on her head is making her forehead look Klingon sized. Tyra basically has B'Elenna Torres hair from Star Trek Voyager. And since Tyra fancies herself an alien, allow us to say, "Hab SoSlI Quch Tyra!" It's the best Klingon insult we could find. Translate.

Chris H., on the other hand, looked great at panel this week. His glasses were super cute and he looked very put together. The same could not be said for his alter ego Christina who came across as the rambunctious Real Housewife we described her as being in our pre-cycle assessment. Everyone kept on saying Chris made a beautiful woman but we'll have to disagree and say he made a nice drag queen. Specifically one you'd see in a 80's film about a prostitute who manages to land a drunk businessman that doesn't realize this fine lady he's just met is packing 8 inches of meat.

"Wanna take me home sailor?"
The best commercial was hands down Kanani & Don. FINALLY the judges gave Kanani some love but perhaps they were saving up considering she got the first "30" of the cycle. It wasn't all good though, because she also got hit on by Tyra who said if she had a penis and was a little taller she would have dated Kanani. And just like with any other of Tyra's ex-boyfriends we never would have seen or heard from the Chicago native again.

Don, however, was really good in the commercial. Like eerily good. And pretty too. Like prettier than when he is done-up like a man. If he had his scruff shaved off he definitely would have been the fishiest queen around.



Where there is good there must be bad and that was without a question Jourdan & Jeremy's commercial. Neither one of them embodied what it was to be gothic or the opposite gender. It was funny when Rob pointed out that Jeremy had his arms in an awkward position, almost like he was hiding something since it was no doubt his first ever boner. We'd imply that it was his first kiss ever except we know that isn't true because of the runway show from the premiere and we're sure Jeremy's mom coddles him all the time at home. But let's talk about Jourdan, shall we? We know, we don't give this girl half the airtime she deserves. But alas, we must get to the last of our dumb ass Jourdan quotes from this week.

It went a little something like this:

Jourdan: I've never even met a gothic person. I didn't understand. I'm very sheltered. 

Really Jourdan? We can understand saying something like this in confessional but out in the open and in front of the judges no less? Was your plan to make yourself look outwardly ignorant? At least Tyra called you out by saying "I hate models that act stupid." And to that we say, Tyra you have no idea...

The best part of this was that Jourdan said this to Kelly. What a fool. You've never met a gothic person before? Then why are you looking straight at one? Are you blind Jourdan? If so allow to us to inform you that Tyra is giving you that death stare she flashes to contestants who find their name on some fashion blacklist for years to come. You'll find your name right under Donald Benjamin.

"I've never seen anyone wear black before."
"I'm wearing black. YOU'RE wearing black."
(Jesus did the IQ just drop in here or what?)
Lastly, there was Marvin and Renee who relived their traumatic romance in front of the judges when they were forced to watch Marvin's face attack again. Eww... What was totally expected was Tyra's defence of his antics once again. Although not outwardly rooting for Marvin she still managed to lay the blame of the face licking incident entirely on Renee's shoulders. Just like the passion teach from Episode 3, Tyra asked Renee why she was giggling, while giving her that Tyra look that shouts death and destruction.

Choose your answer carefully.
The judge's scores were very generous this week but that probably comes from the tackiness of the brief and that harsh scores wouldn't have been justified considering even the best performance holds no weight in the real world. After everyone's scores were totalled the leader board looked like this:


For our original rankings of this week look here: ANTM 20 - Week 4 - Dragged Through The Mud

It was no surprise that Cory received 1st Callout but Kanani definitely gave him a run for his money, coming in a tenth of a point lower. This is the first week all cycle where the Top 3 performances were reflected in the callout order. It's also the first time in the reboot of ANTM where all the contestants scored above 6.0 in social media. We suppose America isn't as heartless as they were last cycle. They're certainly more generous then we were because we're pretty sure we gave out some 2, 3 and 4's this week.

The Bottom 2 were Alexandra and Jiana for absolutely no reason other than it was time for a girl to go.


Once the Top Model scale stopped it was Alexandra who was eliminated and joined the "Comeback Series". What a shame to know that you weren't even the centre of attention in possibly your last episode. All because Jourdan is a shit head. Alex definitely has a good chance at coming back since her social media has always been high, even though her photos suck from here on out. We don't think it'll matter.

After Alexandra learned her fate, Tyra decided to take a swipe at former supermodel, Monica Bellucci by comparing her face to Alexandra's. We thought we'd let you decide for yourself if there is a resemblance by looking at the following two photos. We'll tell you our answer.

Ummm.....
No.......
Next week Nina fully transitions to the dark side as she fucking flips out, bitching and moaning to Chris H. about something he did wrong. God she probably thinks they're in a relationship or something. Psycho!

Besides, he's ours. Stay tuned.

3 comments:

  1. I found (well, refound, I'd read before between cycles) your blog because I do this thing where a thought pops into my head and I type it into Google.

    That thought was, "I fucking hate Jourdan". And here I am. SO glad I'm not alone!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You're our new favourite person!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Jourdan has finally crossed the line between annoying and insufferable. This is the same girl who (stupidly) expressed her disappointment of how her makeover would make her seem like a stereotypical dumb blonde. Honey, that ship sailed long ago when you made that comment (or when you "got married at 18 and divorced at 18"). And now that the word "questionable" wouldn't even begin to describe your basic math skills, that assumption that YOU, yes, YOU made, came true. Part of me's starting to think you actually wanted all of this to happen all along. The world knows it now. Congrats.

    I'm actually surprised no one threw the biggest hissy fit of all time after Jeremy won one of the worst judged challenges in ANTM history that was clearly the result of the fact that two gay judges naturally went for the guy who was the most stacked of the bunch who just stripped down to his underwear on command and would probably have happily done so even if he weren't asked to.

    I'm not a fan of Marvin, but yeah, I was actually impressed when he refused to do the challenge according to Perez' mostly misguided instructions but all of that progress was just wiped clean by his reptilian/amphibian tongue violating Renee's unsuspecting face. I'm scarred for life.

    I echo your sentiments on how bad this episode was. Bad drama + bad challenge + bad shoot = triple whammy (You listening Jourdan? I just slipped in a mini math lesson in there).

    ReplyDelete