Thursday, September 04, 2014

ANTM 21 - Episode 2 Recap - The Sacred Purse (An Hour of NOTHING)

Let's face facts. This episode of ANTM should never have existed.

The most exciting thing that happened all episode.
Like many second-hour casting episodes, we didn't learn anything of value in the time spent eliminating the last eight contestants. It was basically delaying the inevitable. Like getting pregnant in high school these days. We all knew that by the end of the hour that Tyra was giving birth to 14 contestants, all with varying dregrees of modelling talent but with the majority possessing large one-dimensional personalities made only for TV. Only time will tell what lies ahead because compared to last cycle's motley crew, these models are downright comatose when it comes to fighting and drama.

So who will recieve the blonde girl, black guy, black girl, shit-stirrer, super asian, crotchety emo, weird girl and alpha-male spots this cycle? We don't have to tell you. And we won't. Look it up your self.

Regardless, here comes one hour of FILLER in the form of a recap.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

ANTM 21 - Episode 1 Recap - Clinging To Relevancy

Another year has come and passed so like summer racoons scouring residential garbage bins for food, Tyra Banks emerged from hibernation to terrorize a fresh group of model wannabes. But before she could set her sights on ANTM, we watched Tyra on the premiere of "Korea's Next Top Model". Here, she did her best to traumatize Yang Yoo-ju, the fabulous host of KNTM, a franchise infinitely more legit than it's U.S. flagship.

After last cycle's shit show we weren't sure if we were up to recap this cycle but after watching the premiere, we found ourselves quite surprised. IT WAS GOOD. Even we didn't expect that.

Sure, we're still going to bitch and complain, read Tyra to filth and criticize every aspect of the show, but in reality, this was one of the best premieres the show's had in a long time. It was fun, light on the drama, free of any real sob stories and didn't feel prolonged and tedious. We've watched it three times in the past week and have enjoyed it every single time. Weird...

The show began with a look inside Tyra's warped reality where Ms. Jay comes to her in a dream and orders to have his job back. In reality, the reunion of these two probably happened over the phone with Ms. Jay saying something along the lines of:

Sunday, August 24, 2014

ANTM 21 - Post-Season - Ranking The Models of Cycle 21

And here it is! After months of extreme tardiness we give to you the final post of the ANTM Cycle 21 preseason. Top Model premiered last week and before we get to recapping the first episode we thought we'd clean house and finish what we started. This post will outline the total number of points each model received from us (REK) throughout the cycle and ultimately their overall photo average for the season.

Providing a guideline to how we viewed each model, we've broken up the contestants into FOUR categories based on their placement. This will offer a critique on how we feel they did throughout the competition instead of us predicting the elimination order. Because, let's face it, the spoilers have proved that Tyra is up to her old tricks and the models SHE WANTS will be coasting into the Final 3. KIARA & MARVIN STYLE!

Because in Tyra's world, backstory and ethnicity trump talent sometimes...okay, all the time.

From BEST to WORST let's see who milked their twelve weeks of fame and who just wasted our time.

Random Video of the Day: T-Banks Serves Up Some Crazy

We'll keep it short and sweet. Tyra acting well. By that we mean, acting like she normally does.

Monday, April 07, 2014

ANTM 21 - Week 12 - Save The WORST For Last

Ah the final hurdle. Trust us, when we say that our critiques would have been posted a lot quicker had this not been the stupidest final photoshoot we've ever seen. We suppose GUESS pulled the budget on shooting all fourteen models so Tyra had to step in and suggest a photoshoot all about HER. But actually. Talk about some "Family Guy" Julia Roberts "ME, ME, ME!!!" shit going on. We feel bad even commenting on the contestant's photos because their shots were clearly edited around how Tyra looked. Now, that's some definite SHADE.

But before we continue allow us to comment on a string of diluted messages we recently received. Needless to say they went something along the lines of: "Jourdan is the best. You guys suck. You don't know fashion. She won the show so you're wrong. Blah, blah, blah." The reason why we don't respond to such gussy-ass whining is because we have nothing to prove to you. These are OUR opinions and we don't need to justify them to anyone. Also, this is CYCLE 21. Move forward for Christ sake! Anyone who feels the need to defend the mediocrity of Cycle 20 and has enough time to post SIX comments should definitely pick up a new hobby.

Trust us, we take Top Model very lightly and anyone who feels insulted by what we post is just a product of the overly offended generation. So divert your attention baby-ears, because here comes some unfiltered truth.

From MEDIOCRE to GARBAGE let's see who Tyra upstages and who Tyra looks better than.


This is probably the best photo from the shoot. Note how are voices all rise when saying that. Let's face it, none of the shots are even worthy of "8's" this week but we had to try. Will takes the top spot for being one of the few models who upstaged Tyra. Our eyes go immediately to him for better or worse. We think he looks soft, focused and there's a slight hint at a little smoulder going on. We go back and forth on whether or not he looks stoned but Tyra's crazy eyes are definitely telling us that she's trippin' balls after her visit with the magic dragon. Will, on the other hand, just looks like he has a serious case of the munchies.

Tuesday, April 01, 2014

ANTM 21 - Week 11 - Impersonating Real Models

We hate nothing more then when Top Model forces us to repeat the same critical dribble about one specific aspect of the show. Talk about beating an already dead badger. However, it looks like ANTM is in serious need for a new creative director. Resembling two famous AMERICAN celebrities surrounded by neon lights and hordes of people. Seriously? Hmmm...That could have easily been done in...oh we don't know... maybe...TIME SQUARE! Way to take the models to Korea and show off nothing culturally relevant about the country. But that's Top Model for you, doing everything it can to tip-toe back inside its American packaging.

From BEST to WORST let's see who's a hunk of burning love and who's giving us the seven year bitch.


The key to this photoshoot was to transcend its gimmicky veneer and deliver something that didn't come across as hokey pokey. Matthew did just that. James Dean anyone? Matthew is smokin' hot here and he was the only male model to really embody the essence of a 1950's greaser. Handsome, brooding and filled with a smouldering allure. His facial expression has just enough edge, the pose is absolutely fantastic and despite the fact that there is a motorcycle and a plethora of girls around, we can't take our eyes off of him. This is without a doubt, one of the best photos this cycle and has only solidified that Matthew is a fantastic model.

Random Video of the Day: The Elephantine Elegance of QVC

We're really starting to date ourselves with all of this MADtv rehashing but we can't help but want to share some of these skits, which have us cackling at 2am in our apartment. This parody of the ever popular QVC straddles the line of humour and insult as Stephnie Weir and her co-host critique several runway outfits for big girls. Not only is this skit outrageous but it's great to see the comediennes crack up several times during the taping. Our personal favourite quote is from 2:20-2:27 but this video is chalked full of many more. Enjoy!